Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
You Might Also Like
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
This January has 47 Mondays
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I can fix him.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me