Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
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Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
He’s cranky this morning
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
We need to put an American base on the sun
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.