I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
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ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.