If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
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Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears