The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
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*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane