Got him!
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[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Hero horse inspires millions
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.