I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
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Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Confused owl: What?!
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.