Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
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Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Mad Max: Furry Road
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that