Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
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has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I only eat vegetarians.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
🤣dope
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”