Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
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Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Ha
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.