[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
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Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.