“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
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7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.