The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
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Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?