[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
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You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Carpe DM
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
“No way.” -Jose
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.