stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
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dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.