Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
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Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.