Labreador
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Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
🤣😈🤣
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁