I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
You Might Also Like
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.