I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
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i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
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Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids: