I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
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I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
We like the way Dwight thinks
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.