Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
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*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
And that about sums it up.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??