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So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
White parent Vs Arab parents
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”