My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
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If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Oh. My. God.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.