I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
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My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Nomnomnomnom
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*