I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
You Might Also Like
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
If looks could kill
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
💻🤡
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist