I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
You Might Also Like
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.