[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
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The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it