What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
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When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
I identify as an antique shop.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.