Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
You Might Also Like
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy