judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
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mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”