I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
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Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I am all good here, 😂😉
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.