held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
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What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I didn’t realize that was an option
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Sorry. Not sorry
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…