Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
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Yes, you’re welcome.
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I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend