My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
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hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY