Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
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*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
he was correct
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember