Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
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Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
#Thanos #MondayMood
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.