I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
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i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
where the womens at?
i prefer mine room temperature.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?