If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
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Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Tuesday
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.