I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
You Might Also Like
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.