i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
You Might Also Like
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born