Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
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Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
excuse me
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.