HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
You Might Also Like
tis the season
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆