Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
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Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Woke up against my better judgment again
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.