12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
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If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Investing in beetcoin
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah