Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
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Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie