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Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT