If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
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me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.