[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
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Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.