da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
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My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.