All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
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[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Just a phase…
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”